Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Guy's Guide to Predicting The Future

This can be the hardest part of the process.

A good mandrake is a root which is in the form of a human, appearing to have arms and legs and often genitals too, it offers the vegetable equivalent of a human life force in mythology so digging up large plants to find a really good mandrake can take years.

Important tip for baggers: No, it's not enough to get ahold of some tree root and just lop bits off until it looks like a mandrake, the roots have to form themselves into a human shape. Duh.

If the root is large and stable such that it appears to stand three feet tall on its own feet, upright, and it also appears to have an Olympian sized dick, this is definitely the mandrake you have been looking for all your life and together you can rule the world.

Well almost. You just need one more thing. But first here's Bill with the Weather.

A mandrake on its own is not really enough to get the prophetic juices flowing.

It can be tough facing the fact that you cannot simply become an infinitely powerful prophet without some spiritual help. Many mandrake owners cling on to the hope that somehow they can make this thing work alone. For years they waste a perfectly good mandrake and cannot get anywhere with their prophecy and instead of taking flight into real truth or real power, they remain stuck and lost in their careers as "journalists".

The right guru for you is someone who can help you and your mandrake secure your rightful inheritance and summon your deeper inner powers by a short marriage ceremony between all three of you, you your mandrake and your guru.

Noobie Tip: have plenty of blood ready because the marriage contract is quite long.

After the document is signed and dried and then entered into the dark lord's registry on gop.gov, your guru should immediately have some very sage guru-like advice to offer and the spell of your old life broken, you will find your whole existence suddenly transformed.

Once you have taken your mandrake and guru into marriage and no other, you will be all seeing and all powerful and will not really need a whole lot of financial advice. But because I feel strongly about the cashflow of prophets, there is one piece of advice I have to offer: Goldline.
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